They say some people can just handle more than others…is that true? Why are some people blessed with easier paths to walk while others can’t seem to catch a break? Do you ever question how much strength is too much strength before it becomes our weakness? As if God was saying to you over and over “I will only give as much as you can handle.” How long until that “handle” shatters into a million pieces? Have you ever wondered how you can be surrounded by so much joy and sorrow at the same time?
Most days I push through and do my best to “suck it up, buttercup”. Trying to constantly keep my eyes on the bright side, knowing the light at the end of the tunnel is so close and within my reach. After living a life where I could not have ever imagined having the life I have now. There are still days where I cannot help but wonder — when does it end? Holding on to the fake smile of everything is great around me. Cancer and the surgery because of it were coming up, no big deal. Let alone the fact of being so grateful for all the support from family and friends to come in and help raise our sweet young baby girl. While deep down harboring the feelings of failing as a mother by having to have so much help. As a wife, the feeling of being such a burden that my husband’s life would be so much easier if I wasn’t around. Jacob could have an easier life without all the expenses, mood swings, and being one of the only ones knowing how truly depressed I was. After all, struggle was all I had really known. Wouldn’t it be easier in heaven with God?…Jesus suffered far greater than I can even comprehend. He took on the power of death so we could have eternal life with Him. A world without sorrow or pain, where everyone is loved.
I started this post almost a year ago, feeling guilty, and covered with shame for struggling to be thankful during the trial I was facing, because of all the blessings and support we were showered with during this time. I have been cancer free as of August 2019. Today, as the world is in chaos and hurting, I was reminded of that pain but with a new light. That might be the reason I put off posting this for so long. Being broken into pieces can be one of the most refining times in our lives. Have you ever broken colorful glass only to put it back together to make something even more beautiful? He does that all around us, putting all of our broken pieces together for His masterpiece. He knew all of my inner thoughts then, just like He knows now! That wasn’t the first time I had felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. Or that my world was crashing down, but it was definitely one of the most challenging ones. It wasn’t just God and I through this time. He has blessed me with an AMAZING husband, and a beautiful baby girl. I know He was the one carrying us through the last year, and every year prior. When we go through trials where we feel shattered beyond repair, He is there with open arms. God turns all things for the good of His glory. We are His children and our testimonies are the light for His world.
During this time of chaos and pain, there is beauty. We are loved far more than we can imagine. If we look closely we can see His beauty all around us. God is bringing us together, though we may feel divided. He is preparing a way for us, and all we have to do is come together in love and push our faith forward.